This is a good blog on depression. I especially liked the post today.

http://blog.beliefnet.com/beyondblue/2012/05/struggle-with-not-victory-over-2.html

micropreemie hats for the smallest babies.

It's been so long since I posted, so much has happened. My mom had a mastectomy and takes an estrogen blocker now. I think I was in shock for months. I still hear that silent scream in my head. I still get scared.

Watching my mom go through surgery, seeing her hurting hurt my heart so much. I couldn't believe how quickly they sent her home from the hospital-the next day. I saw a side of my dad that I've never seen before. He was so compassionate, caring, and scared. I don't think I've ever seen my father scared before. He emptied my mom's drains, that totally shocked me. He never even changed our diapers.

My mom has breast cancer. That still doesn't seem possible. "My Mom" and "breast cancer," don't belong in the same sentence, it doesn't make sense in my mind.

I went with her to her mammogram this year, not thinking for a minute that they'd find cancer. They did. They called my mom back in for another mammogram and did a core needle biopsy. I had no idea. My mom didn't want me to worry, so she waited to tell me. She was going to tell me herself, but when it came time to do it, my dad asked me to go get coffee with him. He told me in the parking lot. I remember the scream in my head that went on and on,the fear and the bottom falling out of my world. My mom is my best friend.

Knitting is good. I'm so glad I knit, it really helps sometimes when things are rough. It gives me something else to concentrate on. I really hate bipolar disorder!!! Now that Lexi is 18, her illness hasn't gone away, but most of our supports have. And of course, there are the HIPPA laws. I really think they are a bunch of crap. When you are still responsible for your child, but have no right to their medical info, it makes no sense.

diagonal lace

diagonal lace
Originally uploaded by rockinmax

I also finished Diagonal Lace socks, from "Socks from the Toe-up," by Wendy Johnson. Yarn is Dream in Color Smooshy in cool fire. I took the picture in one of our bushes, because the color of the socks looks like the flower color.

XOXO

XOXO
Originally uploaded by rockinmax

Here are the backs of my Milo's. They make me smile :D

Milo

Milo done 2
Originally uploaded by rockinmax

I finished Milo for June KAL. I love these and plan on knitting a pair for my mom. Yarn is Knit Picks Gloss sock yarn in porcini. 2.00 circ magic loop.

Here is a hat I test knit for Wendy Neal. It is a beautiful hat and the reason behind its creation is touching. Here is what she writes.

“Eleanor is a beautiful 2 1/2 year old girl, whose parents discovered she had cancer on 1/8/10. The next day Eleanor underwent surgery to remove her kidney which was a solid 6” tumor, a cancer known as Wilms tumor. Starting the third week of January 2010, Eleanor will be receiving chemo treatments for the next 8 months in hopes of shrinking masses present on her lungs. All proceeds from this pattern will go directly to her family to help with medical and living expenses.”

You can find the pattern here

Please consider purchasing this pattern or making a donation to Eleanor's fund. Thanks so much!

Haven't posted in sooo long. Things have been up and down. A lot going on, kids on computer, not much time to write. Will try to post more soon. Tommy is a daddy! Lex is home. Kids had the swine flu earlier this winter, all are feeling better now.

I've been making chemo caps. (have socks going too of course) LOL

The past month has been crap with Lex. I should be used to her highs and lows and her sometimes outrageous behavior and I am, as much as I can be, I think. But I just don't get why she doesn't think. Whatever sounds good at the moment she does, no though to the consequences. I know that is part of the bipolar, but she can think when she wants to. I have pure white hair coming in now, ughh. I think my nerves are shot. I cringe when the phone rings and it is her school or her worker calling. In the past 6 weeks she has been suspended from day treatment, cut, got caught doing something she definitely knows better than to do, got caught doing something else she shouldn't have, and I got a call that she was being taken to the hospital by ambulance 2 weeks ago. My heart stopped for a minute. Thankfully she's ok! She got into something she shouldn't have and got scared when she got so, so sick. I pray every day for her and for strength for the rest of us. She really is a good kid, with a good, caring heart. All of this just takes so much out the other kids and me and dh.